Ford’s top-of-the-range Scorpio has a tough job to do. It has to drive competitors like Vauxhall’s Omega and Nissan’s QX off the drives of suburbia. With a face like that , does it stand a chance?

"The Scorpio is vile outside but better inside. Its gloopy face seems designed to invite a good slapping, but the interior is so comfy it’s good enough to sleep in, despite over-ruched leather"

Last September we showed you the first pictures of Ford’s Granada successor, the Scorpio. And you laughed. I n fact everyone laughed; so much that Ford delayed its launch until this year and put its image-makers hard at work to try and put its image-makers hard at work to try and make the best out of a car that just about the whole world outside of Ford’s boardroom seemed to think was funnier than Ken Dodd.

Lots of carefully photographed posters and subtle model placement eased the newcomer slowly into the public’s eye, in the hope that the joke would eventually wear thin. Well, whether you’re still chuckling or not, it’s time for us to get behind the humour and come up with some serious road test punchlines.

The Scorpio certainly has a tough job to do. Its chief rival, Vauxhall’s new Omega, has been a considerable success in the months since it went on sale last year. So which is best?

If you’re reading this as a prospective customer for this type of car then the chances are you’re aged between 35 and 55; well-educated; a middle to senior manager, professional or owner of your own business; you have a family; and, importantly, you appreciate cars.

If you spend as much of your own or your company’s money as possible in a Vauxhall showroom you’ll drive away a £27,995 Omega 3.0i V6 24v Elite. Do likewise in a Ford show-room and you’ll find yourself behind the wheel of a £27,265 Scorpio 2.9i 24v Ultima.

To put both these cars into the road test ring together would indeed make a formidable contest, but we decided to throw a spanner in the works. By the time you’ve read this magazine, Nissan will have its all-new QX on sale. In top-spec SEL form it, too, has a three-litre V6 24v engine and an equipment list as long as an orangutan’s arm.

Nissan may not have as many UK dealers as Vauxhall or Ford but, as the world’s fifth largest car manufacturer, it’s serious about selling you a motor. As an extra incentive the QX SEL is to be priced very close to the £25,000 mark, saving a handy few quid of corporate cash.

Where else could we start? In this part of the market, image is all-important and it has to be said that the likes of Ford, Vauxhall and Nissan don’t really cut it alongside BMW or Mercedes Benz. So the stylist has to get to work to try and create some ‘brand awareness’. The

Omega, for example, like other new Vauxhalls features the distinctive ‘V-grille’. While this on its own may not set buyers drooling, only the very harshest critic could call the Omega unattractive. Its rounded, well-proportioned lines are pleasant enough and with the 3.0 Elite’s chunky five-spoke alloys, subtle side skirts and twin tailpipes it exudes an elegant sportiness which places it comfortably ahead of the other two in this category.

Nissan, on the other hand, hasn’t advanced its image in any great measure with the new QX. This car seems to have borrowed styling cues from both Vauxhall and BMW but still manages to look too much like the Primera repmobile. Having said that, the Primera isn’t a bad-looking car, but we doubt that anyone hell-bent on displaying their wealth in their driveway would opt for a QX.

Which brings us to the Scorpio. While Ford is to be commended for its intentions of breaking previous moulds, for its commitment to change and for the courage required to market such a dramatically different car, sadly we think it has failed with the Scorpio.

Maybe it would have stood more chance starting with a completely clean sheet of paper rather than tacking a new front and rear end onto the old Granada. It is, and there’s no other way of saying this, quite simply horrid.

Judging by Ford’s advertising, it reckons that putting people into the car is the way to sell it to them. They could be right. Certainly who ever designed the Scorpio’s front seats deserves a pat on the back; they’re the comfiest here. All three cars have similar electrically-powered adjustment but the Scorpio Ultima’s, though the thin leather is ruched to the limit, are definitely cosier and more supportive. In addition, the steering wheel adjusts for both height and reach whereas the QX’s moves for height only and the Omega’s is fixed, so the Scorpio driver stands a better chance of staying truly comfortable on a long trip.

However comfort is only part of the Scorpio story. Its driver faces a dash that’s either going to be thought of as extremely flash or extremely tacky. We take the latter view. The moulded wood-effect plastic and overly stylised instrumentation graphics are just too much.

The QX couldn’t be more different. It’s plain and entirely free from fussiness – a trick BMW and Mercedes can carry off but Nissan, sadly, can’t. It just looks too much like a big Primera. That’s a shame because we do like the QX’s dash layout. It could use a trip computer but it’s simple and cleanly designed.

The Omega suffers by comparison with both the others. Its dash layout looks clumsy with unnecessarily huge dials, too much black simulated leather and large gaps between the various trim panels. A couple of hours behind the wheel of the Omega could also result in an aching right leg caused by the high-off-the floor position of the throttle pedal.

All three are lavishly and almost identically equipped with leather, air con, remote locking, CD stackers and much, much more. There are small differences: the QX has no memory function for its electric driver’s seat, the Omega lacks full climate control of its air conditioning and so on. The biggest omission, though, is the option-only passenger airbag on the Ford.

Uniquely, the Omega’s centre armrest has a lid which hinges to accommodate a concealed hands-free phone. This makes for a less than comfortable armrest and part of the mechanism came unstuck during our test. It’s also only any good if you have the right size phone.

In the back, standards are high but highest of all in the Ford which has almost limousine levels of legroom. Again, one can only differentiate in detail: the Scorpio and QX lack the rear air vents and heated rear seats of the Omega Elite and the Scorpio’s rear headroom is marginal for taller passengers.

Further back still, it’s again a question of six of one, half a dozen of the other. The Omega has the deepest boot (and a luggage net), the Scorpio the widest and the QX falls neatly in between, (though its CD unit could impede both loading and space). All have split-fold rear seats but the Scorpio boot lid doesn’t open wide enough and the latch protrudes far enough to dent the back of your scalp.

Although giving away exactly 17bhp to both the Cosworth-built Scorpio engine and ECOTEC-equipped Omega, it’s the new ‘VQ30DE’ powered QX which feels the liveliest in town, on the open road and at the test track – and our acceleration times back this up.

Also, while the Scorpio and Omega struggled to get anywhere near their makers’ claims for the 0-60mph dash, the QX tore up the tarmac over a third of a second quicker than Nissan’s claim. Its horsepower deficit did show on the high speed bowl where the Scorpio just got the better of it, and the Omega was a full 10mph faster at nearly 136mph.

All three cars feature three-mode, four-speed automatic transmissions. The three modes are for sports, economy and icy, winter driving. The QX and Omega’s ’boxes perform admirably, while the Scorpio is often quite slow to switch from drive to reverse and vice versa. At the same time, the Ford has the smoothest change when going up through the gears under full throttle acceleration.

The brakes on all three perform well but the quoted stopping distances would very probably have been shorter had we not had to conduct the tests on a patchy, damp surface.

If you yearn for the handling of a sports car but life dictates that you drive a sub-£30k executive cruiser then the superbly balanced and well behaved Omega is the car for you. There’s a liveliness about its handling and it has quick, responsive steering that belies its size.

The front-drive QX runs the rear-drive Vauxhall close. It feels tight, securely planted and is a pleasure to hustle along a twisting road. The rwd Ford will do everything that is reasonably asked of it but it doesn’t reward with the steering feedback and consequently the ultimate control which an enthusiastic driver can now expect in a car of this class. Make no mistake, it’s fine on the motorway and, due to heavily revised geometry and upgraded suspension components, it’s way ahead of all previous big Fords in both ride and handling but the steering still falls slightly short of the other two. (Incidentally, both rear-drive cars have traction control as standard but the QX doesn’t.)

Ride quality is arguably more important to the stressed exec than on-the-limit handling and here the Omega is, again, a class apart. The Ford fares well at the expense of becoming a little floaty and uncontrolled at speed, while the QX errs too much on the side of firmness and can get noticeably joggly and uncomfortable along country roads, particularly when loaded.

The QX SEL buyer is going to make a saving of about £2,265 over the Scorpio Ultima and almost three grand over the Omega Elite. If the firm’s paying, then these differences may not be of too much consequence but if it’s your own company footing the bill then you may well consider that 25-30,000 miles worth of petrol is not to be sniffed at.

During our test all three cars covered a similar mileage and showed a tiny 0.7mpg difference between the best (QX at 22.8mpg) and the worst (Omega at 22.1mpg) so there’s really nothing to choose between them here.

However, casting an eye over the warranty periods does reveal a noticeable contrast. Vauxhall and Ford give a one year, unlimited mileage deal but Nissan has a more comforting three year/60,000 mile term. Add to that our firm impression that the build, finish and general solidity of the QX is superior to both the others and the Nissan will definitely score well with the peace-of-mind brigade.

Let’s suppose for a minute that the new Scorpio was an attractive car both inside and out. Or, if it’s easier, just temporarily try to forget that it isn’t. Under these circumstances it makes a pretty good case for itself. It’s competitively priced, very well equipped, quiet, comfortable, good to drive and would prove to be a worthy mile-eater. It isn’t quite such a good driver’s car as the Vauxhall but that isn’t a major issue here. It would also be a little cheaper than the Omega (even with an optional passenger airbag fitted) so we’d be prepared to call it a draw or plump for the better-looking of the two. But the new Scorpio is ugly. So ugly that in this test it comes fairly and squarely in last place. It’s a close fight between the Omega and the QX. The Omega’s a little faster, but less accelerative. It’s marginally better-equipped, it’s a slightly better driving machine and it’s better looking on the outside. But its poor interior, awkward driving position and vague feelings of doubt over quality pull it back, as does its less attractive warranty and 12 per cent higher price. We give the verdict to the Nissan QX by a nose.